Perhaps the most difficult aspect to our situation is the fact that we're not allowed to talk about it. I think I've mentioned before that our boss put a big giant gag order on the 3 of us last month. We can chat about this to our hearts' content among the ourselves and obviously with friends and family who have nothing to do with this institution. But, we are not in any way allowed to mention this to anyone here, especially within our department. Our boss said that we're just to go along our daily lives around here and "come July 1st, people will just notice a change in the lab." (You think?) The problem with this is that our department is tiny - everyone knows what's going on in everyone else's lab. And our boss is just a little bit crazy to think that people aren't going to figure out that something is up in here even if we don't come right out and say it.
But we've respected his wishes to the greatest degree possible. There are definitely a few people who know. I was sitting down at lunch that day with a technician when the grad student came to find me to warn me that the boss would be looking for me - she obviously knew something bad was up. And then two weeks later she too was told by her own boss that she was out of a job after June 30th. It was a horrible moment when she came sobbing into our lab and all we could do was say we're sorry. But we've very quietly let her know that she's not alone and she's been very good about keeping it to herself. There's another tech who's husband's lab is in a very similar situation as ours and she too knows that two of us are on our way out. It's clear that she really needs and wants to talk to us about it, but we can't and so we leave her hanging every time she looks hopeful that we'll talk about it.
Harder than those interactions are the ones in which people stop by just to chat and somewhere along the way ask us if our boss is nervous because of the funding situation or are we still employed or what's wrong with our boss (who has been in a perpetually and obviously bad mood for 6 weeks now - how we want to kick him in the head for calling so much attention to himself and the situation while the 3 of us motor along pretending everything is ok is a subject for another post). None of us want to lie. That's not our style. Instead, we've become masters of deflection. "Oh, he's been in a bad mood for a while now." "Everyone is nervous because of the money situation." And so on.
Today though, I got the first glimmer that we might be able to stop completely avoiding the situation.
In a previous post I explained the ease of convincing my boss that I should not have to give my scheduled seminar, now just under a month away. He sent me on my way to come up with a legitimate excuse for why I could not give that talk on that day. And so this morning I went knocking on his door with two options: 1) We've talked and with just 9 months of a postdoc under my belt I simply don't have the amount of data yet to make giving the presentation worthwhile for anyone involved, including those who would have to waste an hour sitting through my talk. I will be sure to sign up for the earliest date during next year's postdoc seminar cycle. And that would be an absolutely true statement - if I were still going to be a postdoc next year. And if I really had to have a reason for being off campus that day 2) There's a career development day at Major University in the next city over that day about science education that we've agreed is more important for me to attend that to give this seminar on that exact day. I'll reschedule. This one would be a complete lie and didn't make me too comfortable, but if it's what he preferred.......
Once again my boss surprised me. Instead of having me deal with the situation using one of those excuses he said that he was going to talk to the PI in charge of the seminar series and he was going to be (gasp) up front with him. He'd tell him that I really didn't have the data to make a seminar worthwhile and coupled with the fact that my position is about to be terminated (I have really come to loathe that word) should equal a pass as far as this seminar is concerned. So, not only do I (maybe) not have to lie but my boss is apparently starting to warm up to the fact that we can be honest about this. I'm not sure how long this will last or how far we'll get with it (perhaps this next PI will also have to keep this to himself) but at least it's a step in the right direction. Baby steps are better than no steps as far as I'm concerned.
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