A "Brief" History of how I Ended up Here

Where I want to go will (hopefully) make more sense if you know where I came from.

I grew up in Small Town, New England, the daughter of two parents who had also grown up in that same Small Town. While they never left, they certainly encourage me to do so and I did this by going to school.

I started out with baby steps and attended a small, liberal arts college with only about 2,500 undergraduates. This school was located just 100 miles from home - strategically chosen for being far enough away from home to have to live there, but close enough to home for emergency visits. I earned degrees in both biology (for my career) and religious studies (for fun).

My little school was one of those places where you have classes with only 7 other students and you become friends with your professors. For me, there were two particular professors that I could not have succeeded without. They were also the reason I changed from "biology major with no idea what to do in life" to "biology major who wants to do for other students what these two have done for me." And so, I had a plan - become a biology professor at a small school.

This, of course, meant first obtaining my Ph.D. With very little in the way of advice (partially my fault for not asking, and partially my adviser's fault for not offering more information that would have been useful) I landed myself a spot in an interdisciplinary graduate program at a very large research university 1,200 miles from home.

I soon found myself surrounded by people who were far more serious about science than I was at a school in which people with my career goals were a joke and trying to find teaching experience was more difficult than achieving nuclear fission. I very quickly learned to not talk about what I really wanted to do with my life and to pretend that I absolutely loved research and wanted a traditional academic career. Because of this I was able to become a student in a very large, very well known, very well funded lab. I struggled for a while, but soon learned good lab techniques, became super-efficient and maybe even became an ok scientist. Somewhere in there I realized that I had probably attended the wrong graduate school....that I should have gone somewhere where teaching was important. I realized that with a bit more guidance in college I could have ended up at a graduate school far more amenable to my career goals (although if I had never gone to this particular school I never would have found my husband and so I will never complain about this too loudly). At this point my goals expanded from just teaching at a small college, but to provide more help and preparation for chosing the right grad school and then succeeding once there than I had received.

Graduate school went by quickly and suddenly I was faced with the choice of where to go next. I knew I had sacrificed a lot of time in which I should have been getting teaching experience to research just to keep my boss happy. And so I knew that applying for teaching positions right out of school was not an option. I decided a teaching postdoc would be best for me and even got the support of my boss. Unfortunately the best career opportunity for my husband would take us to a region of the country with no teaching postdocs and therefore I decided to give an academic postdoc a try......I tried to tell myself that I didn't hate research, I hated the politics and I hated graduate school and so this second chance for a relationship between me and the bench would be good.

Because of my husband's job, I was geographically limited as far as choice. Most people saw this as a bad thing. I saw it as a way to streamline my search. I had no trouble finding 10 labs at the 4-ish major institutions in the area that conducted research I considered interesting and translatable to a smaller institution, when the time came. I will save the frustrations of my search for another post if anyone is interested. Suffice it to say that because of funding and my average publication record I was left to chose between two labs. One with a PI having tenure issues and one with a PI having funding issues. I went with the funding issues - and again, if you're interested, I'll be happy to write a post on why.

So, last summer I packed myself up once again. I'm still 1,200 miles away from home, but in another region of the country. Despite a limited budget I actually have had a lot of fun as a postdoc. I get along with my boss. I enjoy the two women I work with. My reseach has had a slow start but I was getting somewhere with it. And I was looking forward to starting my second year when I would be allowed to get some teaching experience. Despite my failure to secure an NRSA, my boss was pleased with my progress and my work ethic and was going to keep me for another year.

And then two days ago my boss had his yearly meeting with the department chair. And then yesterday he let us know that as of the end of the fiscal year both myself and our technician would be out of a job and that our student could stay one more year to finish up. We had had a bit of an idea that something like this was coming, but we didn't know it would be this bad or this soon. We're all still in shock and waiting for some sort of emotion to happen other than being tired. My boss can't look me in the eye yet even though I'm not upset at him and I will never blame him for whatever happens to me and my career in the future. Someday I will be able to say that to him without tearing up.

And now it's today and I can admit that I don't love research and that I need to follow some other career path. I can honestly say that I tried this academic life and it didn't work. Somewhere, deep down inside myself I'm relieved. This was the push I needed to stop doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing and start doing what I really want to do. But it's not going to be easy. I don't have a stellar publication record from graduate school and I have no publication record from my postdoc. I'm also short on teaching experience. And we're in a recession. But achieving what you want in life isn't supposed to be easy and so, when I finally get my dream job it will have been hard earned.

I'll use this blog to chronicle my path from here.....to vent my frustrations..........to proclaim my victories. And while it would be awesome if my readership goes off the charts, I will be happy if I reach just one other person out there with similar struggles as mine and make them feel not quite so alone.